How Sweet It Is
by Tyde
Summary: The kids are in bed and so is Ron. Hermione, working on a potion in the kitchen, hears a noise. Loud, obnoxious insults. What is going on? Rated for language and innuendos. R & R is appreciated :o)


**Disclaimer: **A Harry Potter fic-let. I don't own Rowling's characters, but you already knew that, didn't you Sparky?

- + -

**How Sweet It Is****  
**by Tyde

- + -

It was a quiet night in the suburbs of Corby. The moon was but a sliver and a gentle breeze was tickling the tops of the trees. Muggles were watching television and playing video games, whilst witches and wizards brewed potions and snored gently in their beds. But out the front of Number 3 Keswick Close a commotion had broken out. 

_"Stuff it in your cakehole you limey bastard!"_

"RON!"

_"Smeg off you right git!"_

"RON!"

_"Bloody hell, don't the bitch ever shut her mouth?"_

"RONALD CHRISTOPHER WEASLEY!"

Hermione's voice pierced the air. And the air was right sorry it was there in the first place. A loud thumping came from under the dining room window, like someone was being thrown against a wall.

"Yes?" came a sleepy voice in the bedroom.

"There appears to be a brawl going on in our front garden," she replied as the crash of several flowerpots falling met her ears. It caused her to drop a little too much powdered Harlequin root in the cauldron. Large bubbles issued from the mixture and started popping loudly around the kitchen, turning patches of the cupboards different colours.

"And?"

He'd been in the middle of a lovely dream. A dream in which Hermione's harsh voice was not being used and her clothing was substantially less than it was now.

"And you can jolly well go out there and do something about it before they wake up the kids. I've just finally got Christopher down for the evening"

"If he can sleep through your nagging he can sleep through anything," he mumbled.

"What was that?" she snapped but Ron was already out the front door with his wand in hand.

_"Sod off you arsehole"_

_"Looks like he's been beaten with the ugly stick"_

_"Either that or his arse grew in the wrong place"_

_"Probably a eunuch"_

"Ron, what's taking so long?" she cried.

_"Won't be getting a rooting and tooting from the missus anytime soon"_

A low moaning then echoed around the garden. A terrifyingly realistic imitation of just what the missus sounded like in the middle of a good rooting and tooting session.

Hermione's face went red and she dared to peek out of the window, thankful that their neighbours on either side had gone out for the evening.

Ron was running around the yard, blasting bushes apart higgledy-piggledy and crying "AHA!" and then failing to find anything.

"I'm having a little trouble finding them, darling"

A grunt of disgust issued from Hermione as her hands rested on her hips and a large multi-coloured bubble burst on her head, turning a chunk of her hair temporarily blue.

_"Oooo, the strumpet is cranky"_

_"Keeping her knees together that one"_

_"No muffins for the red head"_

_"Be lucky to even cop a feel by accident"_

"Ron if you don't-"

"Where are the gnomes?" he interrupted, scanning the yard for the little blighters. "We usually have loads."

"Do you really think this is the time?"

"Just look in that floppy haired git's book would you. Garden pests and the like. I've got a hunch"

Hermione lent out the window in the cool night air in her thin nightie and gave him a look.

"I assume you mean Gilderoy Lockhart"

_"Woohoo! The missus got some headlights shining tonight"_

_"What a pair. What I wouldn't give to me mounted on that rack" _and there was a bad attempt at wolf whistling. 

Hermione pulled her brunch coat around her tightly and gave Ron a knowing smile.

"We've got Jarveys," she announced triumphantly.

_"Oooo, what's that? Sounds like a disease"_

_"Hmmm. One of 'those' diseases no doubt"_

"Sounds more like Fred and George after a big booze up" Ron replied.

"Jarveys, rid the garden of gnomes and also have a rude mouth on them. Although they don't usually make sense. Just random sentences of nasty talk"

_"The tartlet is insulting us!"_

_"Man the battle stations. This means war."_

All of a sudden, with surprising agility, Hermione vaulted out of the kitchen window and landed on top of a gardenia bush. Two cries of pain were heard and Ron aimed a Stunning spell under her feet. Two fuzzy tails were clamped under Hermione's toes and the ferret like bodies lay in front of her.

"Jarveys all right. Rather intelligent ones too" said Ron, looking surprised as both had top hats on and appeared to be wearing bow ties.

Hermione reached down and plucked one of the top hats off. A card sprung out of it, did a little twist that released sparkles into the air and then went to hover in front of Ron's face. He read aloud:

"Weasley Wizarding Wheezes – Jive Talking Jarveys – Just the thing to scare off unwanted visitors, or insult them to high heaven. Halloween special now on. NB – Turn into sweets after midnight."

"I might have known! You know I really don't appreciate them testing out their new products on us," she picked up the offending articles and looked at them closely.

"You didn't object when they sent the Hump Me Rotten Apples," said Ron wiggling his eyebrows and grabbing her tightly around the waist.

"Ron!" she admonished, looking shocked and checking to see the Andersons from across the road weren't looking out through their windows as he tranced a finger over something that really shouldn't have attention brought to it in public.

"Who knows if they'd never sent them, Christopher might never have been born, what with Beth running us ragged all the time" he lowered his head to lightly brush her lips with his own.

"You know," she said, smiling against his lips, "I think I've got one of those apples left in the cupboard"

And the baby Christopher chose that moment to wake up and cry.

- + -****

**THE END**

- + -

**Author's note:** Just felt like a silly little Ron/Hermione interlude. Hope you enjoyed :o)


End file.
